Doc Love’s “The System – The Dating Dictionary” on Male Archetypes

Posted on September 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

If you study Doc Love’s THE SYSTEM – THE DATING DICTIONARY, you will find that it describes four male archetypes:

  • Wimp
  • Macho Boy
  • Gentleman
  • Gigolo

And each archetype has such a unique description, which can make you wonder how men can be so different from each other! Well, a careful analysis reveals a certain pattern, which is what I will describe here.

A man’s psychological attitude can be analysed in several dimensions/spectrums, and I will focus on two such dimensions for now:

  1. The Sensitivity Dimension: You have a SENSITIVE guy on one end of this spectrum, and a CALLOUS guy on the other.
  2. The Attachment Dimension: You have a FAWNER on one end of this spectrum, and a CHALLENGE on the other.

Using this method of analysis, the archetypes can be summarised as follows:

  • A WIMP is a SENSITIVE FAWNER.
  • A MACHO BOY is a CALLOUS CHALLENGE.
  • A GENTLEMAN is a SENSITIVE CHALLENGE.
  • A GIGOLO is a CALLOUS FAWNER.

Sometimes you meet a woman that tells you she wants a sensitive guy, and keeps complaining about what a nasty jerk her boyfriend is! All her friends know that she’s with the wrong guy and tell her to break up. She also knows “intellectually” that she deserves better. But no matter how much she complains, she somehow cannot “get herself” to leave him!

And when she actually does encounter a sensitive guy, she is likely to cry on his shoulder and complain about her boyfriend for hours together. The sensitive guy keeps asking (or should I say “begging”) her to give him just one chance! He promises to treat her like a princess and do anything to make her happy. The woman is touched and moved by his sincerity, but still finds that something is missing. She cannot really describe what it is…but somehow, she feels that she just can’t respect him. She also doesn’t feel “attracted” to him! She actually feels MORE attracted to the jerk she complains about!

And the next day you meet another woman, whose boyfriend is the sweetest guy in the world! He treats her with the utmost respect, frequently buys her gifts and flowers, tells her several times how much he loves her, forgives her for everything, puts up with her put-downs and is always ready to apologise whenever there is a conflict between them.

Her friends tell her that she has the best thing going for her, but she is somehow not happy with him! And no matter how hard he tries to please her, she always find something wrong with him and criticises him for it!

If you are a student of Doc Love’s THE SYSTEM – THE DATING DICTIONARY, you can easily tell that the second woman’s Interest Level in her boyfriend is very low. And it is very likely that she would soon dump him for someone else!

Now, I have heard these stories HUNDREDS of times over and over again! And I’m no longer amused by these things, as they have become too much of a chiche!

But it wouldn’t surprise me if it gives you the following impressions:

  • Women are so stupid and illogical
  • Women hate guys that are nice to them
  • Women like guys that treat them like trash

Well, nothing could be farther from the truth. And I’ll tell you what the real truth is….

  • Macho Boys are attractive NOT because they are abusive jerks, but because they EXHIBIT challenge.
  • Wimps are repulsive NOT because they are nice to women, but because they LACK challenge.

A woman that is good-looking but has a low self-esteem is drawn to Macho Boys. She harbours a subconscious belief that she does not deserve to be treated well, and the Macho Boy provides her the perfect validation for her beliefs. (He treats her like trash….but she definitely likes the sex eh?!)

And I have NEVER found a woman that feels “attracted” to Wimps at a primordial level! A Feminista that has a low self-esteem might stick around with a Wimp for a long time, but it’s NOT because she is attracted to him. It’s only because she’s looking for someone to dominate and use like a punching bag….and the Wimp makes the perfect candidate for this kind of abuse. (Eventually even the Feminista would leave him for a tougher guy, but that’s a different story.)

Doc Love’s THE SYSTEM – THE DATING DICTIONARY teaches you how to strike a proper balance by becoming a GENTLEMAN that treats women well, but also displays CHALLENGE at the same time.

And women that are self-reliant and have a high self-esteem (the desirable women) are ALWAYS attracted to Gentlemen.

Hope you found this insightful…..Good luck in the Dating Jungle, my fellow Spartan!

Use Sex Appeal to Boost Negotiations

Posted on September 14, 2017 in Uncategorized

(Warning, this article is not PG 13 rated!)

Have you ever considered the value that sex appeal has throughout a negotiation? Do you use it to boost your negotiation outcomes? Do you recognize the fact that sex appeal is prevalent in every negotiation? If you don’t, you should.

Here’s another potentially mind altering thought. It’s a recognized fact that, men and women do it differently… negotiate that is, but are you aware that sex appeal occurs when men are negotiating with other men and when women are negotiating with other women?

Before you become alarmed, let me state that I’m not indicating the emotional feelings you may have for the other negotiator, or the feelings he may possess for you, is one whereby either of you want to consummate the negotiation by performing an act of love. I’m speaking of sex appeal from one of the dictionary definitions which is, ‘stimulating attractiveness’. Some might call it an admiration you possess, but without ‘going Freudian’, I submit that there’s a lot more to the allure that you can emit and receive as the result of the appeal you and the other negotiator have for one another.

So, how do you maximize your sex appeal during a negotiation? You can start by utilizing the following strategies.

· Create an amorous environment by being somewhat appealing when negotiating. I’m not implying you should be unprofessional, or through your actions imply that there’s ‘more to come’, outside of that for which you’re negotiating. I’m suggesting, by being aware of the appeal that exist within the negotiation, you can increase the bonding process and enhance the overall flow of the negotiation.

· Have you ever liked someone so much that they made you like yourself more? Psychologically, you transferred the likable trait from the other person to yourself. In so doing, to a degree, you became like that person. When you sense someone wants to assume traits you possess, use your appeal to allow such conveyance to occur. By doing so, you’ll increase your sex appeal.

· It’s already a known fact that men and women negotiate differently. That’s not to imply that either sex should use their body to become advantaged during negotiations, but in reality they do. They do so through the smile that conveys a sentiment, a gesture that highlights agreement with a proposal, and by the manner in which they hold themselves (body language), when negotiating. Such gestures convey insight into the mental state of mind the person with whom you’re negotiating possess at that moment. Pay attention to such signals and be prepared to incorporate them in your efforts to enhance your sex appeal.

The above strategies may be difficult for some to master and implement. Once you do master the above strategies, you’ll have another strong negotiation tool from which to gain an additional advantage… and everything will be right with the world.

The Negotiation Tips Are…

· When negotiating, assess the characteristics you possess and consider what can be perceived as an allure by the other negotiator. Then, consider using that allure during the negotiations.

· Body language plays an enormous role in projecting sex appeal into a negotiation. Be cautious about crossing an imaginary line that implies there’s more to your body language intentions than what is meant.

· If you sense that misguided intentions are perceived as the result of your sex appeal being misconstrued, set the record straight sooner versus later. Don’t let sex appeal cast you in an unprofessional light.

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Therapy for Sex Addiction: Dealing With Intimacy

Posted on September 13, 2017 in Uncategorized

Any definition, discussion or exploration of compulsive sexuality begins thusly:

“Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder characterized by” blah, blah, blah.

Then it goes on to name the symptoms: pre-occupation with thoughts sexual; persistent, unrelenting urges to sexually act out; continued use despite adverse consequences, loss of control and so forth.

Such definitions are frustratingly vague. While emphasis is given to the symptoms of sex addiction, the idea of it being “an intimacy disorder” never seems to be addressed. This is unfortunate, indeed. I think a “disordered” pattern of intimate relations is at the core and foundation of this debilitating syndrome.

Vanilla sex addiction, fetishism, exhibitionism/voyeurism, BDSM, and all the other various and moribund kinds of sexual perversions are fueled by the very basic (and healthy) motivation to connect.

Sadly, somehow or other, the urge to connect is misfired. Rather than seeking a real relationship with a real person who might, in fact, satisfy some of one’s real relational needs, the sexually compulsive tries to connect with the “unreal” in fantasy. It is a solo act. Sex, for a person who has a perversion or addiction, is always a narcissistic, self-centered endeavor. It is not related sex. The endorphin rush of the sexual high is so dear to them that it precludes any idea of sharing sexual pleasure with a cherished one in the service of enhancing a bond.

What is intimacy?

Let’s look at the word “intimacy”. From the dictionary: the word is derived from the Latin intima, meaning “inner” or “inner-most.” The definition suggests that to be intimate, you need to know your real self. This ability to be in touch with our inner core is a requisite to being intimate.

Our intima holds the innermost part of ourselves, our most profound feelings, our enduring motivations, our values, our sense of right and wrong and our most embedded convictions about life. Importantly, our intima also includes that which enables us to express these innermost aspects of our person to “the other”.

So, to be in relationship, and to know yourself/your partner sexually, you need to know and respect your intima. The intima is also the way in which we value and esteem ourselves and determines how we are with being with others. To put it simply, if don’t value yourself, you can’t value another. If you’re not aware of needs and wants, or are shamed by them, then sex becomes no more than a fuck.

I think every person I’ve ever seen in my consulting room for sexual compulsions suffers from estrangement from his intimus. We can survive the disapproval of others. The feeling can be painful, but it’s nothing compared to the disapproval of ourselves. Your personal well being and your ability to love another cannot survive your dislike or disrespect of yourself. If you dislike yourself, you’ll never be comfortable with your sexuality.

It bears repeating… the outstanding quality of intimacy is the sense of being in touch with our real selves. When “the other” also knows and is able to express his/her real self, intimacy happens. Sexuality is both an expression of that intimacy and a bond that enhances intimacy. With this kind of personal/sexual intimacy, our growth experience as humans is energized, enhanced, and fueled. Intimacy is the most meaningful and courageous of human experiences. It’s why people long for it so.

The Perils of Intimacy

However, despite this universal longing, fear and avoidance of intimacy is a reality for many people. People fear and even dread that which they most long for. No wonder there’s such a demand for psychotherapists!

So why would people fear, avoid or sabotage this wonderful thing called intimacy and, in the process, avoid person-related sex?

Sexual compulsion is the end point, the tip of the iceberg, if you will, of a long history of developmental events that begin in early attachment difficulties with caretakes, subsequent overwhelming experiences the child is unable to assimilate, an impaired ability to regulate feelings and impaired self-development.

The capacity for bonding with others is vital for human survival and well-being. Our capacity for intimacy is formed in the crucible of the first two years of life. Mothers that are needy, narcissistic, depressed, enmeshed (over-involved), distant, too protective, controlling, chronically angry, addicted to substances, frustrated with their husbands and displace their needs onto their children… raise children who have the psychic imprint of closeness as being dangerous. They also raise children who will carry self-hatred into their adult lives unless they get good treatment.

If the child’s need for attention, soothing, stimulation, affection, touch, discipline, validation, and so on goes unmet, or is met with feedback that is punishing, invalidating or rejecting, the consequences are woven into the structure of the developing personality. Such children may turn into themselves and disconnect from others, regulating their emotions through the use of substances or process addiction, like sex. They fail to learn to utilize others to soothe or comfort themselves. This increases the child’s vulnerability to mental health problems. These people actively seek familiar environmental interaction, thereby recreating and reenacting familiar early rejections and frustrations with others. They spend their lives further cementing their original isolation.

They develop a rigid defense system (boundaries, walls, turning inward to not need others) in order to psychologically survive. But what worked for them as children doesn’t work for them as adults. For these people, the vulnerability of intimacy harkens back to a time when they were vulnerable as children and they fear re-traumatization in their current relationship.

When a person like this is loved – seen in an affirmative light and encouraged to grow and change – this rigid defensive structure is threatened, so their psychological equilibrium is disrupted. Being loved is not congruent with the negative tapes they run about themselves. They can’t allow the reality of being loved to affect their basic defensive structure. Being vulnerable and open to change feels so threatening that they eschew close relationships and mature sexuality.

Entering into a relationship without having some resolution of childhood wounds results in various kinds of fear of intimacy: fear of being found inadequate, fear of engulfment, fear of the loss of control, fear of losing autonomy, fear of attack, fear of disappointment and betrayal, fear of guilt and fear of rejection and abandonment and so forth.

For this reason, I believe that current sex addiction therapy doesn’t go far enough. Focusing on symptom change techniques, such as relapse prevention, abstinence and social skills training, is necessary, but not sufficient. Successful treatment for sexual compulsions ultimately depends on a depth-approach that can ameliorate the underlying attachment disorders and manifestations in adult intimacy. Literally, a new pattern of way of attaching needs to be “carved” into the brain – the person learns a totally different model of relating.

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