The dictionary definition of monogamy is: married to only one woman. Yet we give many definitions to monogamy in society today.
I had to take a look at this word when I realized that I have always defined myself as monogamous but I found that quite ludicrous in retrospect given my life experience.
In my earlier years I used cheating as a way to get out of relationships that were not working. However being a straight forward person I would immediately tell the person I was in relationship with about my indiscretion. To my amazement most of them would want to know who was better in bed and if the other party had made me orgasm. After that usually followed the best sex to date we had ever had. In the end I would have to break up with them anyway.
Kind of mind boggling really.
Over the years I cleaned up my act and did not cheat on my monogamous relationships anymore. I just seemed to manage to never have a relationship that lasted over 6 months to a year. Seemed like serial monogamy.
The ones that I did have longer term ended up cheating on me… pay backs are a bummer if you believe in karma.
One day a man that I was interested in told me he was polyamorous. I wasn’t really sure if I was interested; after all wouldn’t that open the relationship up to all sorts of issues. Then I had to laugh, and say.” Well I guess all my cheating monogamous relationships haven’t worked out so well … so why not!”
Can we really say we are monogamous if we have had more than one long term relationship in our lives? Can we say we are monogamous if we have never been married? What about if we have had multiple partners? What about affairs of the heart, are you still monogamous if you have an emotional affair? Is it just intercourse or any sexual act you must avoid to be monogamous? Or maybe it is simply defined as someone who does not practice infidelity.
Anyway you look at it; monogamy is not something that has a hard line definition.
There are 40 million sexless couples in the US and I guarantee most are just talking about sexless in their own relationship.There are so many married men cruising single sex sites looking for intimate discreet meetings, and hitting the “massage parlor” it isn’t even funny. Women are mostly having internet emotional affairs that are perhaps even more hot and heavy and destructive.
So what do we do?
Do we continue to live in the illusion we are monogamous or do we start to really have candid conversations about what we need or want in our relationships?
I am not advocating a poly life or a monogamous life or anything else. What I am saying is that we should take off the labels of our preconceived ideas and start talking about reality.
The fact that men are hardwired to ejaculate in a woman and then move on to another is an evolutionary design. And even if the man does not physically stray he might certainly use porn and spill his seed with different women.
There are studies that show after ejaculation men have less interest in the woman he is with, even if he loves her. Women sense this and want to be reassured after love making and want to talk and connect to keep their bond that is created hormonally during sexual loving.
When a woman does not have her connection needs met, she becomes less willing to be physical with her man. Her partner in turn has less opportunity to show his love, as men show love through physical interaction.
Can two seemingly juxtaposing agendas be met?
There are art forms of union (sexual loving) that do not aspire to male ejaculation but instead teach the man to orgasm without ejaculation. Separating orgasms and ejaculation has more benefits than helping men stay bonded to their partners.
By learning to orgasm, instead of ejaculating, men can stay in the dance of love longer and leave behind their need to “get “something from their partners. They can instead, let the focus of the journey be more intimate. This is turn leads women to having those deep intimacy needs met.
Now I am not saying that this is in itself is going to fix the issue of our seeming inability to stay monogamous, but education on what is happening behind the scenes can lead to better communication and that can lead to at least understanding what the others needs are.
Perhaps it’s time to have a monogamous conversation in your relationship today.